Time away often helps and resets my mind. Few days outside of the normal day to day side of things has given me a lot to think about. I have to admit i am starting to realize i over think so much at the minute and not share to much info about my thoughts. It goes back to moments where i cannot speak or get my words out.
I was sat having a drink and just having a normal chat with the staff about there day asking the questions that i think we all ask " How are you, How is your day, typical question about the weather etc. Then i was asked the same, Mouth goes dry, tongue forgets to move and nothing comes out. There is a look of confusion from the waiter and eventually a noise comes out my mouth which didn't resemble any form of answer. I manage to mutter a few words but finish my drink and i left. I felt embarrassed tbh. I was ok asking the questions but struggled to answer the same back. This happens quiet a bit but not making me feel uncomfortable like i did at that point.
I couldn't even get my words out in a simple conversation. As i said this does happen often but this is the worst it has made me feel in a while. It wasn't like i didn't want to talk, i had spoken for a few minutes then just unable to get my words out. I was comfortable and not stressed or having a bad day so that wasn't the cause. The way i felt after was awful and so alone in the fact i couldn't even speak to anyone about this. Makes me realize at times how lonely i can feel.
I struggle with loneliness and how it makes me feel. The feeling in my stomach of complete emptiness and been a million miles from anyone. Seeing others last week just sitting and talking away very happily and what seems like without a care in the world at times. Makes me think i want to be like that. Even though i can be with others or sat in a group i am lonely and unhappy and those feelings effect how i am and my mental health. Now don't get me wrong its not all the time or for prolonged periods but i do have times of feelings this way and when it hits it hits really hard. I found it hard last week in another country. Times when all you want is to sit on the bed or curl up in a corner. I managed to avoid it last week but wasnt far off.
Its hard and i know there will be plenty of people just like me out there. I really want to help others just like me and in doing that help me too.